The Speculist

It's Galling

I'm doing back-to-back entries today; I missed last week due to illness. I have been sick since driving home from Thanksgiving dinner last week. It started with this strange cramping in my right shoulder and arm. I thought maybe I had worked the old potato masher a bit too hard. I awoke Friday morning to intense abdomninal cramps and symptoms which led me to believe that I had a bad case of the intestinal flu.

I suffered through the weekend and then went to see Dr. Harris first thing Monday morning. After listening to my story and giving me a quick abdominal exam (and telling me he didn't care if my weight stayed on its plateau for another six months), the Doc told me that it looked like gall bladder trouble. An ultrasound and a visit to a specialist confirmed this. My gall bladder is full of gallstones, and it's got to go.

I'm due for surgery next Friday, or Wednesday if I'm really lucky. The sooner the better, I say. I figure pulling that ever-growing bag of rocks out of me has got to break this plateau and make my weight go down. Seriously, that thing has got to weight, what? Two pounds? Three? It's a sack of gravel.

Now the ironic part. What ever might have caused my body to turn one of its organs into Charlie Brown's trick-or-treat bag? Of course, there is no one answer, and these matters are very complicated, but Dr. Harris says that weigh loss can lead to the formation of gallstones.

So now what do I do with this recurring conversation?

Acquaintance: Say, Phil, have you lost weight?

Phil (proudly): Um, yeah. About 65 pounds, actually.

Acquaintance: Wow, you look great!

Phil (slightly embarrassed): Aw, thanks.

Acquaintance: You must feel a lot better, too, huh?

Phil (enthusiastically): I do feel much better. And I love it that I now fit into airplane seats!

Now it will probably go something like this:

Acquaintance: Say, Phil, have you lost weight?

Phil (weakly): Um, yeah. About 65 pounds.

Acquaintance: Wow, you look ...er...really...really good.

Phil (weakly): Thanks.

Acquaintance: But anyway, you must feel a lot better, huh?

Phil (bitterly): Well, I feel okay sitting upright for an hour or two as long as I take some Darvon and don't eat anything with fat or protien in it. Aw, who am I kidding? I feel like crap. Crap, I tell you. Crap!

But that's only for another week. After that, I shed the bag of rocks that's been holding me back and start looking for other expendable body parts that might contribute to my achieving my weight loss goal!

Here's another interesting tidbit. Gallstone attacks are frequently triggered by the consumption of a high-fat meal. Even though they were really only slivers, I had three pieces of my mom's pie to top off all the gravy and other yummies on Turkey Day. (I was just being polite. She made three pies. What am I going to do? Play favorites?) The gall bladder specialist told me that Thanksgiving has given him more business over the years than any other two holidays combined (and apparently, they're all good for business.)

So weight loss may have given me the gallstones, but gluttony triggered the attack. There's a lesson in there somewhere. And if anyone can figure it out, please do me a favor -- keep it to yourself.

UPDATE: Had to go to the doctor this morning for some related stuff. Down one pound to 230 for a total weight loss of 67 pounds!!